Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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