Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
