i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
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I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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