Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
