there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
