Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
