I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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