There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
