her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
