I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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