OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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