I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
