there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
