P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
