Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
