he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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