I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
