So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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