Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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