so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
