just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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