Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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