my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
