My hand turned me down
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Do vagina's smell?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
