i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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