Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
