i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
