I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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