I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wear drunk well.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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