when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
