but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
