So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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