I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
