dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
