i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
