Why are handjobs necessary in class?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
