It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is my gift to your gina
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
