walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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