I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
