I wish I could punch you in the face.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I cut my penus on the lid.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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