I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
smell my finger.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
