Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
