just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
