Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
