I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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