Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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