you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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