just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
