Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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