Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
