I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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