Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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