i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
