Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
