If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
