dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your dad touched me again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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