My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
