I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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