shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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