God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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