woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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