Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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