There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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